Was it or wasn't it?

I've been thinking differently about my trip the last few days.

I've been thinking about what I saw and who I saw. And I realise something now I didn't realise before.

I've been very judgemental of the Bengali people. I went there believing I was going to see poor people. But more than just that - I went there believing the people were poorly.

There's a difference between poor and impoverished. And it's both good and bad.

Sometimes when we describe people as poor I don't think we mean impoverished - we mean inferior. Poor as in quality - not quantity.

Was life in Kolkata as bad as I saw it? Or did I believe it was bad and then saw it that way?

I think I'm starting to see a difference between what I looked at - and what I saw...

Haunted by an image

It's been a few weeks since I last posted. Being a new parent is tough. Tiring.

It is (as K said to me) both much harder and much more wonderful than you are led to believe.

But my thoughts are slowly coming back to the trip now as I get (marginally) more comfortable negotiating the terrain of parenthood.

For the last week or so there's been an image in my head. An image of the old man. Sitting on the corner of Park Street, Kolkata. Withered and grey. Dressed in rags. We were coming back, from (F) maybe, and we were in a hurry.

It was getting dark. The streets and pavements were bustling-full of commuters and you're dragged along with them.

He was seated cross legged with his back to the traffic.

His arm was outstretched and he was wailing. Begging the passers by for something. Tears on his cheeks.

He was there and he was gone. As I moved on with the crowd I hoped for a fruit stall or a curry stall or something. I would buy him something and take it back to him.

Nothing. Fruit salesman every 15 feet for miles on end in Kolkata - but not on this street.

As the metres droned on it became harder in my head to reconcile going back to him. Should I tell the group to "leave me behind, I was going back?" I should... but I don't.

I made the decision to let it go.

I justified the decision. I can't give him money which is all I have. It won't really help him in any permanent way and it only compounds the problem. Maybe his cry is all an act - maybe that's his shtick? The group needs me - I'm one of the only men in the group and they need a manly escort.

Pathetic really.

In hindsight.

I only saw him for a second. But I will never forget him.

Do you suppose he'd forgive me?

Where have I been?

It's been a few days since I posted but I have a good reason for my absence

We were expecting a small arrival today but in fact she came early!

January 30 at 10.20am and weighing just 2.8kg our daughter Brea Elaine was born after a comparatively short and incident free labour of just 12 hours!

So as you can imagine I am both over the moon and completely exhausted!

Mum and baby are home and doing great and I am a dad!! Unbelievable!

I'm back at work but I am still grinning from ear to ear - what an incredible experience. I've read books and talked to people who tell you how amazing it is to go thru this and first see your child and how this wave of love came over them.

But as sappy as it sounds I can confirm it is all true! I've never experienced such a powerful moment in life. As a man you go from this feeling of it all not being quite real (despite the evidence of mum getting bigger over 9 months) to it being very suddenly very real!

Quite amazing! And depite it being an overused term - truly awesome!

I don't quite know what else to say except Thanks be to the One who gives all things including this.

The cloud has lifted...

So I did make a concerted effort over the weekend to commission my new PC and get the documentary project underway. And indeed I feel much better.

I even have a few ideas for themes that I can bring out in the story that I hadn't noticed before.

Goes to show you that you shouldn't bottle all this stuff up cos it makes you think and say (and blog) some terrible things.

K also helped me work thru some things after she read my blog. I'm such a lucky guy ;o)

Settle down and drink your tea...

Gosh I was a grumpy soul the other day, wasn't I?

I've settled on the source of my frustrations (and I really don't h*te my faith at all ;op ). What's going on with me is that it's been 6 weeks now since we returned amd so far I haven't felt that a lot has changed.

I also feel like I'm losing focus a bit on the purpose of the trip. I haven't had an epiphany about what I should do - and I am truly worried I'd be too lazy or selfish to do it if I did.

Some of the trip is fading in my memory

I'm back in my job which is a good, comfotable job but not fulfilling.

K is oh so nearly ready to give birth but not yet.

There's just this feeling of it all slowly ebbing away and the reality of life here taking over.

And in the back of my mind all the time are these thoughts of should we give it all away and go and serve on the field?

The conversation with myself in my head goes like this...

For: "We should do something..."
Against: "But you don't really want to go as an IT person - you don't like it that much..."

For: "So I should enrol at Carey..."
Against: "But you're not mature or ready enough for that..."

For: "So God will get me ready for it..."
Against: "But, think of all that sacrifice..."

For: "But no good happens without sacrifice..."
Against: "And how will u pay your mortgage, or even more importantly, give your kids the opportunity to do what they want to do.

For: "... God will provide?"
Against: "But you don't like that idea of living by faith, you've never been comfortable with it as a concept..."

For: "True..."
Against: "Perhaps, you should just stay where you are..."

For: "But I'm not really happy doing that. We need do something..."

And so it all starts again.

BUT - it's not as depressing or naval gazing as it all sounds. I have realised that I need to do something more to work this out. Not just sit and stew. You can probably tell from the conversation above that I am still trying to do things out of obligation and in my own strength. Not really the right way to do this

I need my own genuine response to what I have seen and learnt not biased by the opinions or preferences of others but one that is sincerely mine.

I think there needs to be an offering before there is a sacrifice.

So I am going to get seriously into the documentary starting this week and commit to doing a few focussed hours rather than lots of ambling ones that lead to posts like the ones on Friday ;oP

Patience, grasshopper...

It's all relative. Yeah, right...

"Well, God wants to bless us over here too..."
I heard this comment in a conversation with a friend today. I was telling him that I was wrestling with the fact that I have spent a lot of money in the last few months on gear related to the documentary - not withstanding the fact that I have tried to spend as little as I could - shopping around and selecting older proven technology
to get the job done rather than the latest and the greatest at twice the price and that in general I wasn't happy with myself.

"It's all relative..."

Is it?

I know that in theory it's a normal part of the equation to come back and feel a "righteous indignation" with yourself and other people concerning lifestyle and how liberally we spend our money and what we spend it on and whether we need it in the first place... you feel superior - you have been and seen how it "really" is and everyone should change because of the enlightenment you now have. We should become ascetics immediately and give all we have to the poor. The rich young ruler, don't store your treasure on earth - do good and store it up in heaven instead, the good samaritan - these thoughts come to mind. Abandon it all and pursue something else.

But to be honest - today - I really think we should. I say we, of course, because I'm too scared to do it myself and I'd much rather follow someone elses lead...

I do believe that in the west we (Christians) have decided that consumerism is good and really at the end of the day it's pretty difficult to tell the difference between a Christian and someone of another inclination by the way we spend our money. We're as stressed about our mortgages as anyone else, as keen to buy a new gadget as anyone else, as decked out in the "best" brands as anyone else (apologies to the faithful reading this who long ago decided to avoid this for lumping you in with "us")

We dismiss our penchant for new things by saying "Well God wants to bless us too... not just the poor" - but, be honest that's what you're doing.

Despite this I thought I should try to think of a Scripture that suggests that God wants to bless us materially...

and I did think of one...

It reads like this...

"Give us this day our daily bread"

Amen.

I h*te my faith

Probably not the nicest sounding post and maybe it's a little melodramatic but it's not without thought or cause (i blocked out the 'a' on purpose)

Sorry, but I'm not very good at this blog thing. I'm sposed to share my thinking as it unfolds - instead you get big random confused ideas after they have been stewing for a few days

I've been thinking about my own selfishness a lot of recent. With K now heavily pregnant (with OUR baby) and summer here she is hot and uncomfortable. I am back working full time in a busy job and my thoughts are often about how I have been on this big trip and I need time to think - which I do - but underneath it there is the distinct smell of selfishness: God knows I need that time too of course he will provide it.

She needs me to understand her discomfort and help her stay strong and rested for these last couple of weeks I'm happy to do that of course. I'm quick to respond to her, but I'm slow to offer. I'm often preoccupied with the above - preoccupied with me.

I've also been noticing a LOT since I got back how I spend money. Like most men I don't shop regularly but when I do I buy big items. Cars, computers, golf clubs... not coffees, clothes and jewellery.

Just this week I "had" to buy a new computer for the documentary I am working on. I kind of did because the power supply is dodgey and the computer does make odd noises from time to time and then the DVD drive stops working and the borrowed external hard drive (which I got to borrow because it fell off our server rack at work) also makes odd noises. I would be heartbroken to spend 9 months editing a documentary only to lose it all thru hardware failure.

So I agonised for a week over new or used or replacement parts and bought the cheapest/new/best PC I could to do the job. I did cut costs where I could - but I did actually swap the graphics card at the last minute for one slightly more expensive cos the one they offered was pretty much the same generation as my current one (my current one was not compatible with new PC or I might have kept it) and for just a few dollars more (about the same amount as one month of child sponsorship) I could have one 3 generations newer.

What does this have to do with faith-h*ting?

I'm disturbed by my selfishness. I'm disturbed because I see it as an expression of an absence of faith. I talk big about God on the big things but these small ones (and they are small) suggest to me that it's not as deep as it ought to be. That it isn't as all encompassing as a faith ought to be - and it ought to be - what's the point in having a faith that doesn't affect ALL of your life - who wants that?

But worse even is my fear that the selfishness is going to win. That those little things which need to change are going to hurt just a little too much (and they are going to hurt to change) and that I just won't go there.

The "slow decay of time" will erode any zeal for change

Which feels like where I was a couple of weeks ago... which I was also worried about...