I h*te my faith

Probably not the nicest sounding post and maybe it's a little melodramatic but it's not without thought or cause (i blocked out the 'a' on purpose)

Sorry, but I'm not very good at this blog thing. I'm sposed to share my thinking as it unfolds - instead you get big random confused ideas after they have been stewing for a few days

I've been thinking about my own selfishness a lot of recent. With K now heavily pregnant (with OUR baby) and summer here she is hot and uncomfortable. I am back working full time in a busy job and my thoughts are often about how I have been on this big trip and I need time to think - which I do - but underneath it there is the distinct smell of selfishness: God knows I need that time too of course he will provide it.

She needs me to understand her discomfort and help her stay strong and rested for these last couple of weeks I'm happy to do that of course. I'm quick to respond to her, but I'm slow to offer. I'm often preoccupied with the above - preoccupied with me.

I've also been noticing a LOT since I got back how I spend money. Like most men I don't shop regularly but when I do I buy big items. Cars, computers, golf clubs... not coffees, clothes and jewellery.

Just this week I "had" to buy a new computer for the documentary I am working on. I kind of did because the power supply is dodgey and the computer does make odd noises from time to time and then the DVD drive stops working and the borrowed external hard drive (which I got to borrow because it fell off our server rack at work) also makes odd noises. I would be heartbroken to spend 9 months editing a documentary only to lose it all thru hardware failure.

So I agonised for a week over new or used or replacement parts and bought the cheapest/new/best PC I could to do the job. I did cut costs where I could - but I did actually swap the graphics card at the last minute for one slightly more expensive cos the one they offered was pretty much the same generation as my current one (my current one was not compatible with new PC or I might have kept it) and for just a few dollars more (about the same amount as one month of child sponsorship) I could have one 3 generations newer.

What does this have to do with faith-h*ting?

I'm disturbed by my selfishness. I'm disturbed because I see it as an expression of an absence of faith. I talk big about God on the big things but these small ones (and they are small) suggest to me that it's not as deep as it ought to be. That it isn't as all encompassing as a faith ought to be - and it ought to be - what's the point in having a faith that doesn't affect ALL of your life - who wants that?

But worse even is my fear that the selfishness is going to win. That those little things which need to change are going to hurt just a little too much (and they are going to hurt to change) and that I just won't go there.

The "slow decay of time" will erode any zeal for change

Which feels like where I was a couple of weeks ago... which I was also worried about...