Settle down and drink your tea...

Gosh I was a grumpy soul the other day, wasn't I?

I've settled on the source of my frustrations (and I really don't h*te my faith at all ;op ). What's going on with me is that it's been 6 weeks now since we returned amd so far I haven't felt that a lot has changed.

I also feel like I'm losing focus a bit on the purpose of the trip. I haven't had an epiphany about what I should do - and I am truly worried I'd be too lazy or selfish to do it if I did.

Some of the trip is fading in my memory

I'm back in my job which is a good, comfotable job but not fulfilling.

K is oh so nearly ready to give birth but not yet.

There's just this feeling of it all slowly ebbing away and the reality of life here taking over.

And in the back of my mind all the time are these thoughts of should we give it all away and go and serve on the field?

The conversation with myself in my head goes like this...

For: "We should do something..."
Against: "But you don't really want to go as an IT person - you don't like it that much..."

For: "So I should enrol at Carey..."
Against: "But you're not mature or ready enough for that..."

For: "So God will get me ready for it..."
Against: "But, think of all that sacrifice..."

For: "But no good happens without sacrifice..."
Against: "And how will u pay your mortgage, or even more importantly, give your kids the opportunity to do what they want to do.

For: "... God will provide?"
Against: "But you don't like that idea of living by faith, you've never been comfortable with it as a concept..."

For: "True..."
Against: "Perhaps, you should just stay where you are..."

For: "But I'm not really happy doing that. We need do something..."

And so it all starts again.

BUT - it's not as depressing or naval gazing as it all sounds. I have realised that I need to do something more to work this out. Not just sit and stew. You can probably tell from the conversation above that I am still trying to do things out of obligation and in my own strength. Not really the right way to do this

I need my own genuine response to what I have seen and learnt not biased by the opinions or preferences of others but one that is sincerely mine.

I think there needs to be an offering before there is a sacrifice.

So I am going to get seriously into the documentary starting this week and commit to doing a few focussed hours rather than lots of ambling ones that lead to posts like the ones on Friday ;oP

Patience, grasshopper...