Is it September already?

Wow! That's way too long not to have blogged!

A thought has been lingering in my mind - the visit to the hostel boys at Brahmanbaria. it's a pretty typical hostel arrangement. Underprivileged boys whow would otherwise miss out on an education live at a hostel where they are fed and safe and they get an education - all the way thru high school

Westerners (predominantly) sponsor these kids and they exchange letters with them to encourage them

We went there in early December and we took Christmas presents. Little bags of $2 Shop toys which we carefully organised to be about the same size with similar small gifts in them appropriate to either a younger or older child.

The boys dutifully lined up from youngest to oldest to receive their gifts (youngest to oldest) and shook the hands of each of us to say thanks

And it was all very weird.

These kids really do have NOTHING. They had a damaged cricket bat and some 2nd hand gloves and about 4 wickets to share amongst 50 boys. The "warden" also proudly showed me their sports ball. Yes - one ball.

They did have a couple of musical instruments and the odd boy had a small gift that a sponsor had got thru to them - but that was it

And here we were linign them up to receive their bag of gifts - and I guess we felt really good about what we were doing... at the time...

But now, thinking back it feels weird.

What was the point of these gifts? "here - we have money you have none - let us buy you presents?" "Why?" "Because it's Xmas" "Yeah...?" "And you should get stuff at Xmas" "Why?" "Cos it's good to have stuff...and Xmas is when we give stuff...and you don't have any stuff...?" "OK?"

Maybe I'm being too philosophical and maybe it didn't feel this way then - but now it feels like we were giving "stuff" to them because we felt bad that we had stuff and they didn't - and that it would in some way make us feel better about our stuff if even these poor kids had a bit of stuff too... that we'd be bringing them up to our level... and how good we were to do that...

We did talk to these kids and get to know them - and I am sure that their lives are better because of that hostel - they are certainly filled with more hope... but somehow now it feels like giving them things cheapened our relationship with them...

Not sure...

So where to from here?

Ok so I'm beginning to get an idea of what I learned (although that will always change and grow) and I think I have (somewhat of) a handle on how I've been affected by it all

The question (as K often likes to ask me) is: So, what?

I've had this experience, it's affected me, I believe it was an inspired and deliberate one. What am I now going to do differently as a result of it?

Steve is K's old pastor. He blogs here and often about some quite heady topics to do with church and faith and leadership but on this occasion in particular he posted this which explores the question of what do you do about those less fortunate than yourself?

This I think is relevant to me right now.

I often trip myself up before I start. I think I should respond and then I ask - how much should I respond? How far should I go - like I posted a few weeks ago - do I sell all and become a missionary?

And the final result is that I tend to make it all too hard and do nothing - which is the worst outcome

Perhaps the answer is just to respond. To do one thing differently and see where that goes?

Unlike one of the objections in the linked video above I really don't believe I don't have to do anything. Of doing something, I am convinced, this is a must.

We had a sponsor child finish up last year - he finished school and went to a tertiary Tourism training school. We have 2 others and I thought - well two is probably enough because we just had a baby

But maybe it's not. I may not be ready to sell all now but if I start small?

An idea taking shape

I haven't been sleeping much recently - the plus side has been that I have been thinking more

As I was rocking Brea back to sleep in the wee small hours the other day I had another thought about the trip and it's outcome for me

As a part of filming the trip I recorded video diaries of my thoughts in response to the things I saw and did. Because I thought the documentary I intended to make was about seeing experienced people in action thru the eyes of naive and inexperienced eyes a lot of my musings were on the overseas workers.

I was reluctant to use the term "Xn" or "Missionary" - partly for security reasons - but largely because I had an uneasy feeling about those terms.

I think the main source of my unease is that the history of Xn missions in the world is not always pleasant. There were the unintentional side effects (like influenza) and downright nasty ones (like annexing of lands and marginalising of cultures and peoples)

I was never really sure about my reasons for going on the trip. To a large extent it felt like (and still does) poverty tourism - but despite that I really felt sure I should go. Something inside me compelled me to look beyond that and actually go.

I think now I'm beginning to see why.

I maintain that people of all walks of life and faith are equally important to God. That all people, regardless of label, have something useful they can teach me because He regards them all and works in all their lives - and consequently I can be of service to them by the same logic.

The history of mission (to some extent) has been about "us vs them". But what I have desired to see is "journeying together". And I can see now that that is what the overseas workers in these places are trying to do.

To live amongst the people. To learn. And to serve.

And this has rekindled my hope. A hope that I'm not alone in this desire. That it's not wrong. That I am on a (sometimes painful) journey to a new way of thinking and it's an inspired one.

That nagging wondering about why i was supposed to go there has begun to have an answer...

A midnight epiphany...

So I had a thought in the dark of night...

I've been troubled in the last few weeks trying to figure out what I think about the trip and what I saw and what my response is supposed to be and why I'm still so uneasy.

And a new thought came to me at last to redirect the churn.

When I look at (some of) the people of Dhaka and Kolkata i saw tremendous poverty and suffering. And I feel strongly that something should change for them. It's not right that they should live in thatched huts that get washed away every time it rains.

It's not right that those flood waters bring cholera and that the alluvial land poisons them with arsenic. That young girls get no education - or worse - enslaved as prostitutes. That corrupt officals rip farmers off for crop prices. That when the money runs out they borrow a rickshaw and leave their families for days to go to town to try to eek out a living giving people rides.

But here's the rub...

I need them to keep living that way.

If I want to have the life I have in NZ then someone has to go without.

Clever people have done the math. The way we live in the West is not sustainable. We can't all live on a quarter acre patch surrounded by timber and concrete and aluminium. There isn't enough resource in the world for all of us to live that way. Not enough resource and not enough fuel for energy to process the resource

So I want more for the people of Dhaka - but I'm a hypocrite - because I don't want less for myself.

My 90sqm house is a mansion in the grand scheme of things. Our two 12 year old cars testament to my avarice. My 5 year old telly and $500 surround sound setup and the Toffee Pop bar I just ate from the vending machine is proof positive that I am in the top 10% of wealthy people in the world.

And still I want more.

It's not wicked stuff. I want to take my daughter to the USA to spend time with her grandparents. I bought K a camera for Mother's Day because she's talented with photography and I want her to explore that talent.

I want an education for my daughter. And opportunity. I want to live life to the full - it should be exciting and worthwhile because it's a gift from God.

And to be honest I think hot water coming out of the wall is like the coolest thing ever.

Not all this stuff is bad of course. Most isn't. But in order to get good education and healthcare and hot water in our homes in the west we've somehow had to help ourselves to most of the earth. When did that happen?

If I were to go to Dhaka to "help" to be honest I wouldn't want to give up what I have. And that makes me a hypocrite. Tell people about the good news - and rescue them from their poverty - but to what point?

So, yeah. A new thought.

I am still alive... and thinking

It's been a while since I posted because I haven't moved terribly far beyond my last lot of thoughts

I've identified more of what I am thinking about - kind of seeing more of what I am looking at.

Starting with the obvious... life in Bangladesh and Kolkata is different to NZ. Things that strike you when you are there: The people in rags, the smell of human waste (at times), the life that happens on the pavement, the fact that the pavement looks like it was built in the 17th century, the vehicles passing the pavement that look like they should be scrapped, the scrap and rubbish between the pavement and the vehicles that piles up, the rats that go thru the piles of scrap at night

But then I get to the less obvious (until now) That a large number of people CHOOSE to dress that way, that the relieving yourself in the street is as cultural as picking your nose and kissing (or not) in public, and so are the street vendors who are actually working, and the collision of old and new is actually quite exciting, and that Auckland streets are only clean because the infrastructure here is better and corruption is lower, and not even the Bengali people like the corruption, but people in NZ litter just as much it's just that we have people we pay to hide that from ourselves...

But there were some things that were not just different...

Young teenage girls 'standing in line', refugees raising families far from homes they can't go back to, a caste system, a pervading mentality of superiority and inferiority, a house for the dying destitutes...

There are others I could comment on but I have already shown myself to be a bigot and an ignoramus probably even in this post...

So this is where I have been and still am...

peace

Was it or wasn't it?

I've been thinking differently about my trip the last few days.

I've been thinking about what I saw and who I saw. And I realise something now I didn't realise before.

I've been very judgemental of the Bengali people. I went there believing I was going to see poor people. But more than just that - I went there believing the people were poorly.

There's a difference between poor and impoverished. And it's both good and bad.

Sometimes when we describe people as poor I don't think we mean impoverished - we mean inferior. Poor as in quality - not quantity.

Was life in Kolkata as bad as I saw it? Or did I believe it was bad and then saw it that way?

I think I'm starting to see a difference between what I looked at - and what I saw...

Haunted by an image

It's been a few weeks since I last posted. Being a new parent is tough. Tiring.

It is (as K said to me) both much harder and much more wonderful than you are led to believe.

But my thoughts are slowly coming back to the trip now as I get (marginally) more comfortable negotiating the terrain of parenthood.

For the last week or so there's been an image in my head. An image of the old man. Sitting on the corner of Park Street, Kolkata. Withered and grey. Dressed in rags. We were coming back, from (F) maybe, and we were in a hurry.

It was getting dark. The streets and pavements were bustling-full of commuters and you're dragged along with them.

He was seated cross legged with his back to the traffic.

His arm was outstretched and he was wailing. Begging the passers by for something. Tears on his cheeks.

He was there and he was gone. As I moved on with the crowd I hoped for a fruit stall or a curry stall or something. I would buy him something and take it back to him.

Nothing. Fruit salesman every 15 feet for miles on end in Kolkata - but not on this street.

As the metres droned on it became harder in my head to reconcile going back to him. Should I tell the group to "leave me behind, I was going back?" I should... but I don't.

I made the decision to let it go.

I justified the decision. I can't give him money which is all I have. It won't really help him in any permanent way and it only compounds the problem. Maybe his cry is all an act - maybe that's his shtick? The group needs me - I'm one of the only men in the group and they need a manly escort.

Pathetic really.

In hindsight.

I only saw him for a second. But I will never forget him.

Do you suppose he'd forgive me?

Where have I been?

It's been a few days since I posted but I have a good reason for my absence

We were expecting a small arrival today but in fact she came early!

January 30 at 10.20am and weighing just 2.8kg our daughter Brea Elaine was born after a comparatively short and incident free labour of just 12 hours!

So as you can imagine I am both over the moon and completely exhausted!

Mum and baby are home and doing great and I am a dad!! Unbelievable!

I'm back at work but I am still grinning from ear to ear - what an incredible experience. I've read books and talked to people who tell you how amazing it is to go thru this and first see your child and how this wave of love came over them.

But as sappy as it sounds I can confirm it is all true! I've never experienced such a powerful moment in life. As a man you go from this feeling of it all not being quite real (despite the evidence of mum getting bigger over 9 months) to it being very suddenly very real!

Quite amazing! And depite it being an overused term - truly awesome!

I don't quite know what else to say except Thanks be to the One who gives all things including this.

The cloud has lifted...

So I did make a concerted effort over the weekend to commission my new PC and get the documentary project underway. And indeed I feel much better.

I even have a few ideas for themes that I can bring out in the story that I hadn't noticed before.

Goes to show you that you shouldn't bottle all this stuff up cos it makes you think and say (and blog) some terrible things.

K also helped me work thru some things after she read my blog. I'm such a lucky guy ;o)

Settle down and drink your tea...

Gosh I was a grumpy soul the other day, wasn't I?

I've settled on the source of my frustrations (and I really don't h*te my faith at all ;op ). What's going on with me is that it's been 6 weeks now since we returned amd so far I haven't felt that a lot has changed.

I also feel like I'm losing focus a bit on the purpose of the trip. I haven't had an epiphany about what I should do - and I am truly worried I'd be too lazy or selfish to do it if I did.

Some of the trip is fading in my memory

I'm back in my job which is a good, comfotable job but not fulfilling.

K is oh so nearly ready to give birth but not yet.

There's just this feeling of it all slowly ebbing away and the reality of life here taking over.

And in the back of my mind all the time are these thoughts of should we give it all away and go and serve on the field?

The conversation with myself in my head goes like this...

For: "We should do something..."
Against: "But you don't really want to go as an IT person - you don't like it that much..."

For: "So I should enrol at Carey..."
Against: "But you're not mature or ready enough for that..."

For: "So God will get me ready for it..."
Against: "But, think of all that sacrifice..."

For: "But no good happens without sacrifice..."
Against: "And how will u pay your mortgage, or even more importantly, give your kids the opportunity to do what they want to do.

For: "... God will provide?"
Against: "But you don't like that idea of living by faith, you've never been comfortable with it as a concept..."

For: "True..."
Against: "Perhaps, you should just stay where you are..."

For: "But I'm not really happy doing that. We need do something..."

And so it all starts again.

BUT - it's not as depressing or naval gazing as it all sounds. I have realised that I need to do something more to work this out. Not just sit and stew. You can probably tell from the conversation above that I am still trying to do things out of obligation and in my own strength. Not really the right way to do this

I need my own genuine response to what I have seen and learnt not biased by the opinions or preferences of others but one that is sincerely mine.

I think there needs to be an offering before there is a sacrifice.

So I am going to get seriously into the documentary starting this week and commit to doing a few focussed hours rather than lots of ambling ones that lead to posts like the ones on Friday ;oP

Patience, grasshopper...

It's all relative. Yeah, right...

"Well, God wants to bless us over here too..."
I heard this comment in a conversation with a friend today. I was telling him that I was wrestling with the fact that I have spent a lot of money in the last few months on gear related to the documentary - not withstanding the fact that I have tried to spend as little as I could - shopping around and selecting older proven technology
to get the job done rather than the latest and the greatest at twice the price and that in general I wasn't happy with myself.

"It's all relative..."

Is it?

I know that in theory it's a normal part of the equation to come back and feel a "righteous indignation" with yourself and other people concerning lifestyle and how liberally we spend our money and what we spend it on and whether we need it in the first place... you feel superior - you have been and seen how it "really" is and everyone should change because of the enlightenment you now have. We should become ascetics immediately and give all we have to the poor. The rich young ruler, don't store your treasure on earth - do good and store it up in heaven instead, the good samaritan - these thoughts come to mind. Abandon it all and pursue something else.

But to be honest - today - I really think we should. I say we, of course, because I'm too scared to do it myself and I'd much rather follow someone elses lead...

I do believe that in the west we (Christians) have decided that consumerism is good and really at the end of the day it's pretty difficult to tell the difference between a Christian and someone of another inclination by the way we spend our money. We're as stressed about our mortgages as anyone else, as keen to buy a new gadget as anyone else, as decked out in the "best" brands as anyone else (apologies to the faithful reading this who long ago decided to avoid this for lumping you in with "us")

We dismiss our penchant for new things by saying "Well God wants to bless us too... not just the poor" - but, be honest that's what you're doing.

Despite this I thought I should try to think of a Scripture that suggests that God wants to bless us materially...

and I did think of one...

It reads like this...

"Give us this day our daily bread"

Amen.

I h*te my faith

Probably not the nicest sounding post and maybe it's a little melodramatic but it's not without thought or cause (i blocked out the 'a' on purpose)

Sorry, but I'm not very good at this blog thing. I'm sposed to share my thinking as it unfolds - instead you get big random confused ideas after they have been stewing for a few days

I've been thinking about my own selfishness a lot of recent. With K now heavily pregnant (with OUR baby) and summer here she is hot and uncomfortable. I am back working full time in a busy job and my thoughts are often about how I have been on this big trip and I need time to think - which I do - but underneath it there is the distinct smell of selfishness: God knows I need that time too of course he will provide it.

She needs me to understand her discomfort and help her stay strong and rested for these last couple of weeks I'm happy to do that of course. I'm quick to respond to her, but I'm slow to offer. I'm often preoccupied with the above - preoccupied with me.

I've also been noticing a LOT since I got back how I spend money. Like most men I don't shop regularly but when I do I buy big items. Cars, computers, golf clubs... not coffees, clothes and jewellery.

Just this week I "had" to buy a new computer for the documentary I am working on. I kind of did because the power supply is dodgey and the computer does make odd noises from time to time and then the DVD drive stops working and the borrowed external hard drive (which I got to borrow because it fell off our server rack at work) also makes odd noises. I would be heartbroken to spend 9 months editing a documentary only to lose it all thru hardware failure.

So I agonised for a week over new or used or replacement parts and bought the cheapest/new/best PC I could to do the job. I did cut costs where I could - but I did actually swap the graphics card at the last minute for one slightly more expensive cos the one they offered was pretty much the same generation as my current one (my current one was not compatible with new PC or I might have kept it) and for just a few dollars more (about the same amount as one month of child sponsorship) I could have one 3 generations newer.

What does this have to do with faith-h*ting?

I'm disturbed by my selfishness. I'm disturbed because I see it as an expression of an absence of faith. I talk big about God on the big things but these small ones (and they are small) suggest to me that it's not as deep as it ought to be. That it isn't as all encompassing as a faith ought to be - and it ought to be - what's the point in having a faith that doesn't affect ALL of your life - who wants that?

But worse even is my fear that the selfishness is going to win. That those little things which need to change are going to hurt just a little too much (and they are going to hurt to change) and that I just won't go there.

The "slow decay of time" will erode any zeal for change

Which feels like where I was a couple of weeks ago... which I was also worried about...

First Catch Up

We had our first catch up as a team since we got back on the 6th at a cafe in Kingsland. It was really good to see some of the old faces and know that others were experiencing the same confusion and "out-of-placeness" as me

We're going to meet up regularly to encourage one another and try to help each other figure things out.

Several of us spoke of feeling quite "haunted" by the things we'd seen and we could recall peoples faces we had met so clearly.

I think that's a good thing. It's testimony to the quality of these people who took the trip as more than just an excursion - they actually want something to change in themselves. They want to be confronted.

And we have been.

Two weeks in limbo

So it's been a couple of weeks since I posted which is actually kind of indicative of how things have been for me. Quiet. Thoughtful at times. But not earth shattering.

I've caught up with a few friends and have been asked what I make of the experiences I had and my answer is pretty much the same to all of them. I'm not sure. It's going to take time to work thru it all.

I'm getting over the weirdness of being back. I still feel different and work is hard to concentrate on (I went back on the 27th of Dec)

Advice from the overseas workers was "don't drop everything and come here" and I can understand why.

K and I have talked about how important it is not to run away from things but to plan to go to something new. Running away implies disatisfaction and disillusionment and I think those things tend to follow you - you can't really abandon them.

My shortlist of things I am sure of:
Money, cars and house are not as important to me as they were (and they were more important than I thought)
There is no fulfilment without sacrifice (perhaps the most tangible development in my thinking so far)
It's important that whatever we do next we believe in it

Things I am unsure of:
If our future lies overseas?
When or if my feelings of uncertainty will change/grow/evolve/leave?

I'm not terribly good at this blogging thing. I never have profound insights - just random thoughts it seems ;o)